


Study on optics

by bletillastriata



Series: Of monsters and butterflies [3]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Canon Timeline, Character Study, Experimental Style, Flash Fic, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Monologue, No Plot/Plotless, Non-Chronological, POV First Person, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-25
Updated: 2017-02-25
Packaged: 2018-09-25 06:52:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9808115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bletillastriata/pseuds/bletillastriata
Summary: What's the meaning hidden behind your eyes?





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one goes back and forth in time (before and after Kaneki recovered his memories). To make it less nonsensical, the parts not in italics are placed during their Cochlea battle, and the parts in italics are after the christmas party.

What do you see when you stare back at me, with those bright gray eyes? Do you see the same thing as I do when I look in the mirror: cold darkness, two abysses full of nothing but death?  
  
_Do you ever feel afraid of falling into them when you look into my eyes? That's fine, that's how your primal instinct should react. It may hurt a bit, to be feared by you, but it's natural. Deep down, you still remember what I did to you. But Haise, sometimes, you smile to me, and your gaze shines as a tender lamb's looking at a starry night. It unnerves me, how can it be that someone looks at me like that? It's wrong. You should hate me. You should keep fearing me like the lamb fears the wolf. Grow stronger than me, so that you can be my predator, the one who kills me like I once killed you. I want you to be the one who will end the misery I am before my eyes are completely eaten by darkness and I can’t see your face anymore._  
  
Ken, there is nothing to save here, nothing but remorse. You can't erase what I have done, just like I can't return the ones I have taken as much as I wish I could. Ken, will you deny them the pleasure of seeing me, the one who wronged them so much, going to hell?  
  
_Haise, what do you see when you look at me? still a father? A teacher? A prisoner? An abuser? or maybe just Arima Kishou, the god of death of the CCG? Why do your eyes seem so full of adoration? What is there in me worth of that love? I'm only a weapon, a plague that only brings tears and misery. I took your friends away, and then I took your eyes. Of course, you don't remember, but please, don't let me get used to your love because when the day you realize how perverse and vicious I am, your hate might hurt a bit less. But I guess this is part of my punishment, having a taste of kindness and tenderness again, and then have it taken away from me abruptly._  
  
I want you to cut me in pieces like just I did to you a few minutes ago, I want you to eat me and proudly describe the taste of my guts to other ghouls who will crown you as their king, the brave half-ghoul who defeated Death. The one who'd free my soul, who is it sitting, chained at the bottom of the abyss that stares back at me with I look at the mirror.  
  
_When you smiled at me and told me "thank you" (even though all I did was give you a newspaper and tell you to choose some kanji) I remembered that my soul was still there, in the form of a child who had wept the first time he saw his hands full of blood, and now he wept again, but this time the tears felt pleasant in his cheeks._  
  
Haise, will you kill me right? Will you release my soul? I want you to kill me brutally and, I want you to hold me close and kiss me goodnight for the last time.


	2. Chapter 2

You were the first beautiful thing I saw. Since I woke up in that cell, I screamed names I forgot, and gouged out my eyes to unsee things that couldn't be unseen, but it was useless, no matter how I emptied my eyesockets, the images remained as vivid and grotesque. And then the eyeballs healed, itching so much I wanted to bury my long, dirty nails in them.  
  
There was a chunk of meat spread on the floor, and I was screaming and hiding from it, from its wrongness. The door opened. "Special class Arima, you shouldn't enter" he sounded like if I was deep under the sea and he was on the surface, and I screamed again, that I had to "help them", but help _who?_  
  
Then you spoke, your voice as close as my own screams, soft like velvet, a deep blue velvet except the words were cold and cruel like a spear impaling my head. "I killed them all, " you said, grabbing the collar of my hospital robe, forcing me to look with my only functional eye the first beautiful thing I saw, those pale eyes as moonstones, and just as lifeless and cold.  
  
You know what happened next, you pitied the residue of a person I was and little by little I became someone again.  
  
And now I see you, and your eyes are still beautiful the way heavy rain and purple flowers in a sewer are beautiful. An intimidating and tempting beauty, looking at your eyes is like looking at the sun: it's gorgeous and it hurts and it makes me cry, and when I look away I still see them, engraved in my brain with precision. Except that, unlike the sun, your eyes have no light, they're black holes I want to be sucked into and cross completely until I get to the other side and discover a new universe full of exploding stars.  
  
But as the closest black hole, you are unachievable, light years away, so I just stare at you from afar, your tall figure, your broad, beautifully sculpted muscles, your hair like starlight, and avoid the eyes at all cost, because they hide a truth I'm too insignificant to grasp.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
A truth I finally caught a glimpse of when you were in my arms, and you looked at me while trying to touch my face as if it was just as unreachable to you. In your eyes, I saw love, and then I never saw them again.

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted this one to be the last from the series, but I don't have a lot of material for the other parts yet.


End file.
